Tuesday, March 20, 2012

My mom's hand

2 nights ago, i had a dream, its about me and my mother.
And in the morning, i was just realized that i was crying.
 its marked on my pillow.

Sometimes i had this kind of dream, after  i fight with my mom.

In that dream, my mom and i were in a journey to go to my grandma’s house. I knew it because, we got  into a bus. My mom and me always take a bus to go to my grandma’s house.

Like a bus normally, its always busy and many people around. I sat beside my mom, she was wore her favorite jacket and hat, with a black pants, red shoes and our bag on her pangkuannya.
I always felt worries everytime i rode a bus even with my mom. I always scared of losing her beside me.  I always want to look at her.

My mom  is so straight, her face shows independent and had the “dont you dare disturbed me” look. My hand is on her hand inside her jacket. We were arrived.
Wow, my grandma’s house is bigger than the reality #ups, but what i love the most in it is the backyard, so i ran away in to the backyard,  lived my mom talked to my grandma alone.
My mom will be fine, i thought.
So i played.  And then i heard my mom’s voice was calling my name. She was lookin at me.
“lets go home, darling” she said.
But, i didn’t want to go because i still want to play.
“no, i still want to be here” with shakin my head and kept playin the dirt.
“but, we have to go home.The bus will leaving us, if we dont hurry, we can’t go home anymore”
“but, i still want to play! Why you dont understand me? just leaved me with grandma! I’ll be fine”
I said it with angry.
“really? Okay, i’ll go home now. Your father and brother need me, you really really dont want to go with me?”
“no!” i wasn’t look into her eyes. But in that dream, i knew what is my mom’s face look like when i said that. I looked so jerk.
“okay, bye bye” she shake her hand to me.  then, my grandma’s gate house opened and i saw a dark jungle and a river, i saw no way to get out.
stood in my place, saw my mom’s living, slowly, i felt so guilty and afraid, all this time she always beside me, take care of me, keep me away from danger. But, i was so jerk said i didn’t need her anymore.
I started to cry, i felt so afraid and felt left behind. My mom was already get in to the bus.
I started to think, how could i live alone. how could i lived without you, mom.
I have nothing but you, i felt so unloved.
“mommy..!” so, i  ran. Tried so hard to step as far as i can, but i was late. The bus was started to leave me.
I can’t stop crying, i felt so abandoned, and it was all of my fault. My grandma was holding my arms.
Like, she didn’t let me go to run after my mom. I cried as loud as i can, called my mom.
My mom seems so far away and she would not come back.
She left me forever. Here, alone.
That makes my tears fall down, even in my reality, and soon its getting blur.  

I opened my eyes quickly, and i still felt  my heart was also beat so fast. 
Then, i sat down, i tried to calm down. I closed my eyes, and pray.
Thank God, it was just a dream,
and thank God, for give me these dream.

That night, i finally slept with my mom. I said sorry, still in my wet face.
This time, i would never released my mom’s hand. Never.


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